never imagined we'd end like this
by imogensrocket
Summary: "Why didn't he love me?" Trigger Warning.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.**

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**Author's Note: **Trigger Warning is a precaution because this story has mentions of Cam's suicide. This story is set the night of Cam's death, after she leaves the candle lighting ceremony.

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"_That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."_

_-The Fault in Our Stars_

Maya lay on her bed, staring up at her ceiling. There was a crack there, faint, barely noticeable, fracturing the plaster above her bed that had begun to fascinate her, helping her forget this horrible day.

She should be crying.

That's what everyone expected of her.

She couldn't cry. She wouldn't cry over him!

She had meant every last word she said at that stupid candle lighting ceremony.

They shouldn't mourn him. He didn't deserve to be mourned after what he did to her – to everyone!

And everyone there to grieve him! To light a stupid candle that meant nothing to anyone didn't even know him!

But neither did she.

That was the reality she faced all day: She didn't know her boyfriend. Her boyfriend loved her! Her boyfriend made her laugh! He would have _always _chosen her! He'd have fought like hell for her!

But Cam didn't do that. Her love wasn't enough for him. It wasn't enough to make him stay with her, to be there with her.

He didn't love her.

She sat up suddenly, almost falling off the bed from the force of her jolt. She refused to think about him anymore. If she did, she knew she'd cry until she couldn't stop anymore. And she wouldn't give him that satisfaction. He wouldn't break her!

She got up and began to pace, trying to think of songs she had begun to write for WhisperHug, and stopped herself. All the songs were about Cam. She tried to think of her cello audition, but stopped. She hadn't gone to it. She missed her chance because of him!

Suddenly, rage took over her. It was like an out of body experience for her. She took the bracelet he'd given her out of her bag where she'd hidden it after Simpson told her the news and flung it against her wall, making it ricochet to the floor. She grabbed Hoot, throwing him so hard that when he hit her lamp it knocked over and shattered.

The noise of something being broken satisfied her for a moment. She felt oddly in control.

She needed to feel it again.

She rummaged for something, anything to break, when she saw it. She had hung it up on the hook on her door, and now it was staring at her, almost mocking her. She marched over with a determined look, snatching it off the rack, feeling the cool leather and felt. His letterman jacket.

He'd given it to her when they reconciled. He'd taken her to the movies and she'd been cold, and he'd given it to her to keep. Apart of her knew she shouldn't. This was his jacket; she should give it to his mom, or somebody. But in that moment she squelched that side of her, letting the part that didn't care take over.

She wanted his memory gone; wanted it to burn.

Taking his jacket she made her way down the stairs, trying to think of how she was going to destroy it, making sure to be quiet to not alert Katie of her being up.

Katie was in the living room, talking on the phone to someone. Maya paused by the wall blocking the view into the living room so Katie wouldn't see, overhearing a bit of the conversation.

"…She's scaring me," Katie was saying, racking her fingers through her raven-colored hair. "I don't know how to help her; if I even _can _help her… I know, it's a shitty situation… Poor Cam," her sister's voice broke, "if only someone knew about him. He had a whole life ahead of him…"

Maya couldn't listen to it anymore. Clenching her jaw, she silently crept past her sister and headed to the kitchen.

Opening the draw she found the little box of matches her mom kept handy for when the lighter wouldn't work, she clutched them tight in her palms, her heart racing in anticipation for what she was doing, and before she snuck out the back she grabbed her dad's bottle of vodka from the back of the spice cabinet.

Standing in the middle of her backyard, she threw his jacket to the ground, stuffed the matches in her pocket, and began to open the bottle.

As she began to pour the alcohol on his jacket, she paused, forgetting to lift the bottle so the endless waterfall of vodka splash over it till the bottle emptied completely.

Did she really want to do this? Once she lit a match and threw it down, that'd be it. It'd be gone… like him.

She gritted her teeth, shoving her hand into her pocket and taking the matches out with such force her phone fell out, clattering to the grass.

Bending down, she saw the background of her and Cam together from the other night – _the best night of his life_…

Was it a lie? Was yesterday the happiest night of his life?

"Why?" she muttered, her voice wavering. "I thought you – I don't understand!"

Sobs chocked her throat, making her raw as she cried, looking at his goofy face in the picture. He was happy! He wasn't sad after that one time. He was better, he had to of been!

Maya dropped to her knees, her phone slipping from her hands. How could she have been so blind and stupid? How did she not know that her boyfriend – the guy she was in love with – was sad? How did she not see that he never got better?

Why couldn't she save him?

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She didn't know how long she sobbed, or when she stopped, or when it became so cold that her limbs where numb, but the next thing she knew Katie was yelling at her, shaking her shoulder hard.

"Maya! Can you hear me? Maya, answer me!" Katie was shouting to her frantically.

Maya opened her eyes; Katie's panicked and tear-streaked face coming into focus. She was lying on the ground, bundled in Cam's jacket. She didn't even remember crawling into it.

"What time is it?" she asked her sister groggily.

"Nearly midnight!" her sister shouted, pulling Maya up to her feet. "How long have you been out here? When I didn't see you in your room or the house I nearly had a heart attack! What were you thinking? And where you drinking?" she asked, kicking the vodka bottle aside.

"No…" Maya said tiredly. "I was going to burn his jacket. I wanted to burn it."

"Maya…" Katie whispered, not knowing what to say.

"Why didn't he love me?" Maya asked sadly. "Why wasn't I enough?"

"He was sick, Maya. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. He just… couldn't do it."

"But I would have helped him!" Maya screamed. "Didn't he know that?! How could he leave me like this?!"

"He didn't want to do this Maya," Katie tried, reaching out to touch her sister's arm when Maya jerked away.

"He lied to me, Katie! Don't you see that?! That stupid video was a lie! A mean, cruel lie! I hate him!"

Maya was crying now. Her voice wavering and cracking as she screamed; she was losing control. She needed to break something. She needed to hear the sound of something breaking.

Taking off the jacket, she tossed it on the ground.

Katie was quick; she grabbed the matches, holding them high above her head from Maya's reach.

"Maya, think about what you're doing!"

"I am thinking!" Maya snarled at her sister. "Give them to me!"

"No."

"What difference does it make if it's a pile of ash? He's not around to claim it!"

Katie's eyes softened, but she didn't lower her arm.

"Just let me do this! You and everyone else want me to grieve and feel, well I am! Let me grieve!"

When Katie made no move to lower her arm, Maya sunk to the ground, retrieving her phone from the ground where she'd dropped it. Unlocking it, she saw the vague break up text message… and then, his video.

She felt the tears drip down her cheeks as Katie lowered beside her, wrapping her in a hug.

"I loved him."

"I know."

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**Author's Note: **There isn't a lot to say about this story, is there? Just that the ending was a bit lame, but I wanted Maya's breakdown to come full circle.

I think Maya's reaction to Cam's death was the one that made me cry the most, because she can't even process that the guy she loved, who just claimed to have the best night of his life with took his own are so many tragedies in this episode: A young boy with a bright future took his life; Cam probably thought Dallas didn't care about him and didn't realize that Dallas wanted Cam to fit in and be happy, and have a happy life in the NHL and be famous; and then there is Maya. Confused and feeling betrayed and angry, but knows she's expected to feel sad, helpless, crying and carrying on about her boyfriend being dead. Maya sadly has no idea that she was Cam's anchor throughout the season. She doesn't even realize that Cam's happiness was resting on her shoulders; she thinks he didn't love her.

Though the message of Cam's story is that we are never alone, that there are people, strangers, friends, family teachers, anyone who will listen to you, but I think the biggest tragedy of all is that we come at the wrong moments. Everyone at Cam's ceremony was there to mourn him, and they probably would have listened to him too. Part One proved that people will listen, but sometimes we listen to the wrong things. I think what we can learn from Alli and Dallas is that we need to listen to everything people say and take it into consideration. Cam saying he wanted to go to sleep and never wake up was a sign of how seriously depressed and hopeless Cam felt. His death is no one's fault, it's just a manifestation of his pain and suffering, and it's tragic.

I think Degrassi really went there with a heartbreaking story, and I am excited to see how it plays out through the rest of the season.


End file.
